Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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