so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
