Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
You're an adult now and it's your vagina. You should do what it or you wants.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
