I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
