miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Randomize
