I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
