yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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