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Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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