dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
We named our party play list daddy issues
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
