My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
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