proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
Randomize
