Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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