I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
