Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
Randomize
