she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
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