Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Please note that in response to your post about your dog's jaws clamped hard around a stick, I did not comment, "Takes after his dad." You're welcome.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
