my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize