apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
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