didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was easier that asking where the vagina platter is.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
