What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
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