i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
The wedding is over. Operation sleep with my step-sister has officially begun
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
