Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
Randomize
