You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
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