Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
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