my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
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