you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
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