So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
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