Soap is not a condiment
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
so the time management class we had to take for work seems to be working. I just beat off instead of waiting for gf to get home bc it fit my schedule better.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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