Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
Randomize
