please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
