Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Randomize
