What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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