chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
can a guy be partially circumsized? cause i dont exactly know what i was lookng at...
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
