Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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