Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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