It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Randomize
