Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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