Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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