At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize