the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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