Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
