Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
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