i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
