i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Randomize
