Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I love you. Go after that dick
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
