She's JV to your varsity
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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