So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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