I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
