I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
You were trust falling into bushes
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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