I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
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