so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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