My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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