4 words: hood of his car
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
People try and tell me I never learn me lesson, well that's a bunch of crap. I asked for Monday off for Superbowl recovery based on my experience last year.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
