i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I don't want my vagina anymore.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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