You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
