I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
