My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize
