my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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