I accidentally had phone sex last night
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
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